Yesterday was apparently National Poetry Day, which inspired me to do some fun noodling with poems. I have two versions of this – one a bit darker and less rhymey! – but thought as it’s Friday I’d share the fun one!

If the Apocalypse comes, trip me*

(*with apologies to Buffy)

If the Apocalypse comes, trip me

And know it’s what’s best for us all

I am not built of whatever it takes

To survive once societies fall

I possess not a single life talent

That would serve in the end of our days

I can’t outrun a Zombie, I’ve never built a fire

I’m too stiff for survivalist ways

I get anxious at mild inconvenience

I would faint in the case of real fear

Give me a weapon to aim at a creature

I’d most likely shoot my own ear.

I would never survive a dystopia

For a start, I’m too fussy with food

I’m not eating slop, served from a pot

The bones of our enemies, stewed

Vegetarians can’t become cannibals

It’s more than our systems allow

Who gives up bacon for 38 years

Just to eat businessmen now?

I wilt and I whine in hot weather

And complain when the days become cold

I am scared of the dark and small places

I’m not living outdoors now I’m old

I am soft with weak wrists and trick ankles

My strength is outmatched by a leaf

I’m not made to be woodsy and agile

At best, I’d be comic relief.

No, better for all if you just let me fall

Which I will, like a ton of old bricks

But I’m luscious and plump and well-moisturised

Let them eat me all up till they’re sick